One of the most common issues that comes up in couples and sex therapy is desire discrepancy, or in its most extreme form, the sexless marriage. Desire discrepancy leads to one person feeling pressure and anxiety around sex and can quickly result in couples getting trapped in the “obligatory sex cycle.” The cycle happens when one person avoids anything that may arouse their partner (a playful glance, hugs, kissing, holding hands) for fear that their partner will initiate sex and then be angry or disappointed if sex doesn’t happen. Understanding how pressure for sex actually decreases intimacy in a relationship is crucial for fostering a healthy and satisfying intimate connection. In this article, we’ll delve into the nuances of desire discrepancy and obligatory sex, offering insights and strategies for couples seeking guidance through sex therapy.
Desire Discrepancy Explained
Desire discrepancy occurs when partners in a relationship experience differences in their levels of sexual desire. It’s important to know that this is a natural variation, influenced by various factors such as stress, hormonal changes, and individual preferences. It is often a temporary issue, but can often lead to unhealthy patterns of interactions between partners. This can cause a snowball effect and lead to bigger issues and put the relationship at risk.
The Impact of Obligatory Sex
Obligatory sex, a byproduct of desire discrepancy, involves engaging in sexual activity primarily to fulfill the desires or expectations of one partner, even when the other may not feel genuine desire. This can lead to a cycle of dissatisfaction, resentment, and emotional distance. When partners argue about sex, anxiety, guilt, shame and anger become associated with the topic. This often results in partners who avoid anything that may arouse their partner in order to prevent their partner from initiating sex which has become associated with these negative emotions.
Breaking the Silence with Communication
Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Couples should create a safe space to discuss their desires openly, acknowledging that differences are natural and part of the evolving nature of intimacy. Sharing feelings without judgment allows partners to better understand each other’s perspectives. Sex therapy can be a helpful tool for learning how to talk about sexual desires in a safe, non-judgemental space.
When desire discrepancy becomes a persistent challenge, seeking the guidance of a qualified sex therapist or couples counselor can be immensely beneficial. Sex therapists are equipped to facilitate conversations, explore underlying issues, and offer strategies to reignite intimacy while respecting the needs and boundaries of both partners.
Exploring Intimacy Beyond Obligatory Sex
Sex therapy can help couples find ways to connect intimately, sexually and non-sexually, and reduce pressure for sex. It’s important for partners to explore shared activities, deepen emotional connections, and rediscover each other outside the bedroom.
Cultivating Empathy and Understanding
Empathy is crucial in addressing desire discrepancy and moving away from obligatory sex. There is fear on both sides of desire discrepancy. The “higher-desire” partner may not feel resentment about increasing non-sexual connection or may feel hopeless that their sex life will improve. The “lower-desire” partner may continue to feel internal pressure, even if their partner does all they can to reduce the pressure. Sex therapists help couples to understand and communicate their desires and fears to each other outside of the usual communication patterns that haven’t been working.
Navigating desire discrepancy and obligatory sex requires a combination of open communication, empathy, and sometimes, professional support. Couples searching for solutions can find guidance through sex therapy, communication strategies, and a willingness to explore intimacy beyond the confines of obligatory acts. By addressing these challenges head-on, couples can foster a more fulfilling and resilient intimate connection, promoting a relationship grounded in mutual understanding and shared growth.
If you are interested in therapy to address desire discrepancy, I can help. Reach out today to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.
